Transmormon

2014, English, Eri Hayward, USA,

Director: Torben Bernhard
Release Year: 2014

Synopsis:

Transmormon (2014), a short documentary directed by Torben Bernhard, explores the complex journey of Eri Hayward, a young transgender woman from Orem, Utah, who grew up within the confines of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS). The 15-minute film provides an intimate glimpse into Eri's life, focusing not only on her gender transition but also on her family dynamics, her Mormon upbringing, and the spiritual and emotional challenges she faced as she navigated the intersection of faith, identity, and societal expectations. 

 

At the heart of Transmormon is the tension between Eri’s identity as a transgender woman and the teachings of the LDS Church, which has historically maintained rigid views on gender and sexuality. Raised as a devout Mormon, Eri faced immense internal conflict when she realized that the gender she was assigned at birth did not align with her true sense of self. As a young child, Eri confided in her father, Ed Hayward, expressing a desire to be a girl. At the time, Ed assumed this was just a phase, as many parents might do when faced with such confessions from their children. However, as Eri grew older, the disconnect between her assigned male gender and her inner identity deepened, leading to feelings of confusion and frustration.

 

The documentary follows Eri from her childhood through her adolescence and eventual transition. Early on, her Mormon family struggled to reconcile their love for Eri with the teachings of the Church. In a poignant moment in the film, Ed recalls a conversation with Eri at the age of four, when she tearfully declared, “Daddy, I want to be a girl.” His response at the time was to dismiss it as a phase, as the Church taught that God had created people as either male or female, and that this assignment was immutable. This belief, so ingrained in Eri's upbringing, created a rift between her and her understanding of God. She recalls, “When it was explained to [me] that I was a boy, it was because God had made me that way… that didn’t make a really great relationship, as a 5-year-old, between me and God.” As she grew older, Eri tried to reconcile these feelings within the framework of her Mormon faith. She was ordained to the priesthood and actively participated in church activities, even dating a girl from the church community during her teenage years. Despite these outward signs of conformity, Eri’s inner turmoil only intensified. It was during this time that Eri began to grapple with her sexuality, initially thinking that her attraction to boys must mean she was gay. Coming out as gay was another form of self-discovery for Eri, but it also highlighted the gap between her identity and her community’s expectations.

 

When Eri’s struggles reached a boiling point, her family decided to send her to Japan to live with her grandparents, hoping the change in environment would offer some clarity. It was in Japan that Eri had a transformative moment while watching a TV program about transgender people. Her grandmother, who had a deep understanding of Eri’s struggles, remarked, “Oh, this is all about you!” This moment of recognition helped Eri understand that what she was experiencing wasn’t just confusion—it was a deeper truth about her identity. When she returned to the U.S., she finally found the courage to tell her father that she wasn’t gay, but rather, “a woman trapped in a man’s body.” This revelation allowed her family to finally put a name to what they had been dealing with for years: transgender. However, understanding that she was transgender was only the beginning of a much larger journey. Eri’s transition became a deeply psychological and emotional process, one that involved confronting the physical dysphoria she had lived with for years. In the documentary, Eri recounts vivid dreams of self-mutilation, including dreams where she envisioned cutting off her genitals. These dreams escalated in frequency and intensity, reflecting the pain and desperation Eri felt. In one particularly harrowing moment, she even attempted to perform the surgery on herself. Recognizing the gravity of her situation, the Hayward family sought counseling and a diagnosis that would allow Eri to begin hormone replacement therapy (HRT).

 

At this point, director Torben Bernhard, who had been working on a separate project for NPR’s Salt Lake City affiliate, learned about Eri’s story. After reading a blog interview about her, Bernhard felt compelled to document her journey. He quickly reached out to Eri and her family, knowing that they were preparing for a significant step in Eri’s transition: gender-affirming surgery in Thailand. The timing was tight, as Eri’s family was scheduled to depart for Thailand within a week. Bernhard and his team rushed to capture the emotional moments leading up to this pivotal point in Eri’s life. He later reflected on his deep personal connection to Eri’s story, having grown up in the Mormon faith himself and having gone through a process of leaving the Church. His understanding of the difficulties faced by people in the LDS community, especially those whose identities fall outside of traditional norms, added a layer of empathy and insight to the documentary.

 

The tension between the LDS Church’s teachings and Eri’s transition forms a central theme in Transmormon. The Church’s stance on gender roles, which is rooted in the belief that individuals are assigned male or female spirits before birth, creates a conflict for transgender members. The 1995 document The Family: A Proclamation to the World outlines the Church’s view of gender and marriage, stating that a marriage should be between a man and a woman, and that gender is fixed and immutable. For Eri and many others, this rigid stance presents a painful paradox. The Church’s teachings create a dichotomy between Eri’s lived experience and the doctrines of the faith she was raised in. In the film, Eri’s father, Ed, shares his belief that his daughter is a woman, despite the Church’s teachings. He says that he hopes LDS leaders will come to accept her transition and that she will one day be able to marry in the Temple. Eri’s mother, too, expresses her deep love for her daughter, though she grapples with her own feelings of confusion and loss. The Haywards' story highlights the complex emotional terrain that many Mormon families face when they are confronted with the reality of having a transgender child. In the case of the Haywards, love and faith coexist, though the tension between them remains palpable.

 

Eri’s journey to self-acceptance culminates in her surgery in Thailand, a moment that is both personal and symbolic. While she had long dreamed of this day, when it finally arrived, she was surprised to find that the experience of transitioning felt more “normal” than she had imagined. “I looked down and thought, ‘Oh, I am normal-me now!’” she reflects. For Eri, the completion of her transition was not the magical moment she had envisioned, but rather a peaceful acceptance of herself. Transmormon is more than just a documentary about a transgender woman’s journey. It’s a film that explores the intersection of identity, religion, and family. It challenges viewers to reconsider their assumptions about gender and faith and highlights the deep complexities that many families face when confronted with issues of identity that are at odds with their religious beliefs. For Eri Hayward and her family, Transmormon serves as both a testament to their love and an exploration of the painful but ultimately transformative process of reconciling faith with identity. The film is an emotional and thought-provoking meditation on what it means to be true to oneself, even when the world around you cannot fully understand or accept your truth.

via: huffingtonpost.com
op-talk.blogs.nytimes.com
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Image credits: Vimeo