A random collection of films authored by or about my transgender, intersex sisters, and gender-nonconforming persons all over the world. I watched some of them, and I was inspired by some of them. I met some of the authors and heroines, some of them are my best friends, and I had the pleasure and honor of interviewing some of them. If you know of any transgender documentary that I have not covered yet, please let me know.

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Trans Memoria

Director: Victoria Verseau
Release Year: 2024

Synopsis:
In "Trans Memoria", Swedish filmmaker and artist Victoria Verseau embarks on a deeply personal exploration of gender, memory, and identity. This poignant documentary, set against the backdrop of her own transition, weaves together the stories of three women navigating the complex, often painful journey of becoming. Through the lens of Verseau's experience and those of her two collaborators, Aamina and Athena, "Trans Memoria" delves into themes of loss, introspection, and the bittersweet reconciliation of past and present. It is a meditation on what it means to be truly oneself, even when faced with profound grief, existential doubt, and the remnants of unfulfilled dreams. 
 
The film begins with a powerful statement from Victoria Verseau herself: “I collect. I document. I write down my memories. I’m afraid they will disappear.” This fear of loss and erasure sets the tone for a film that is as much about documenting the past as it is about confronting the future. The central narrative unfolds in a silent hotel in a remote Thai city, eight years after Victoria and her late friend Meril underwent gender confirmation surgeries in 2012. At the time, both were on the cusp of a new life—excited and nervous about the possibilities that awaited them. But Meril is no longer with us, having tragically taken her own life three years after their surgery. Her absence looms over the film, shaping the narrative in ways both subtle and profound. Meril’s death is one of the key emotional anchors of "Trans Memoria". While Meril herself remains elusive—her image and voice are never fully revealed—her presence is felt throughout the film. This absence is not just a void but a poignant reflection on how society sometimes erases the lives of trans people, particularly when those lives end prematurely. Meril's Facebook page was deleted by her parents after her death, and no official records of her funeral exist, as if she had never existed. For Verseau, the film becomes an act of reclamation—an attempt to honor Meril’s life and memory in a world that has otherwise sought to erase her. 
 
Transition is central to "Trans Memoria", both as a physical process and an existential one. The documentary offers an unflinching look at the realities of gender confirmation surgery, including graphic footage from 2012 showing Verseau in the aftermath of her operation—exhausted, under anesthesia, and describing the pain of amputation. There is a rawness to these moments, as Verseau describes the daily invasive process of dilation to maintain her newly created vaginal canal. These scenes, difficult to watch for their physicality and vulnerability, are paired with reflective narration that reveals the complex emotional terrain of transition. For Verseau, the transition was supposed to mark the fulfillment of a lifelong dream—finally becoming the woman she had always felt she was. But paradoxically, after undergoing the surgery, she experienced a profound emptiness. "Strangely enough I felt a great emptiness after my innermost dream was fulfilled," she reflects in the film. "Post-transition I didn’t need to fight the same way as before. I had reached my goal and I started wondering who I was without that struggle." This sense of emptiness, of having reached a destination only to find that it was not the final answer, is a theme that reverberates throughout "Trans Memoria". The film is less about the act of transitioning itself and more about what happens afterward—when the dream is realized, but new questions about identity, purpose, and meaning arise. In this way, "Trans Memoria" is not just a film about trans women but an existential journey that touches on universal human concerns: the search for love, the pursuit of happiness, the struggle with inner emptiness, and the process of redefining oneself.
 
While "Trans Memoria" is undeniably centered on Verseau’s personal journey, the film is also shaped by the experiences of Athena and Aamina, two trans women who are navigating their own transitions at the time of filming. Initially, the film was conceived as a fiction project, with Athena and Aamina cast to play versions of Verseau and Meril. However, as the project evolved, their stories became integral to the documentary’s narrative, offering a counterpoint to Verseau’s reflections and helping to shape the film’s overall arc. Athena, in particular, becomes a vocal presence in the film, offering both critique and counsel to Verseau as the project progresses. She challenges the darker tone of the film, at one point upbraiding Verseau for focusing too much on "the negative." “We need both darkness and light,” Athena asserts, a reminder that the journey of transition is not just about hardship but also about hope, joy, and the possibility of a better future. Aamina, who also appears in the film, serves as another voice of perspective, offering her own reflections on the process of transition and the challenges that trans women face. For both Aamina and Athena, "Trans Memoria" becomes not just a documentary about transition but a space for self-discovery, where their voices are heard and their experiences are validated.
 
The cinematography of "Trans Memoria" is as important to its narrative as its subject matter. The film is a visual collage of hauntingly beautiful yet disquieting images—empty hotel rooms, decaying shopping malls, and a desolate Thai city that feels suspended in time. The imagery evokes a sense of loss, both personal and collective, and reflects the themes of memory, transience, and decay that permeate the film. Verseau’s use of contrasting aesthetics—from the glaring sunlight of day to the neon-lit darkness of night—mirrors the duality of transition itself: the painful reality of the journey and the dream of transformation. In one particularly poignant scene, Verseau returns to the hotel where she and Meril once stayed, only to find that it has been closed down and is being demolished. This destruction of physical space serves as a metaphor for the fragility of memory and identity. Just as buildings can be torn down and erased, so too can lives and experiences be forgotten or discarded. Yet, there is beauty in this ephemerality, as Verseau finds meaning in the impermanence of things. The film, like the city and the hotel, exists in a liminal space—a place between memory and oblivion, between the past and the future.
 
One of the most powerful motifs in "Trans Memoria" is that of the "ghost." The hotel in Thailand, abandoned and decaying, becomes a metaphor for the past that haunts the present. Verseau reflects on the idea that ghosts are not just spirits of the dead but the memories of people and places that continue to linger long after they have disappeared. This idea resonates deeply with her own experience of loss—especially the loss of Meril, whose memory she feels slipping away, like sand through her fingers. In one particularly striking moment, Verseau and Athena are in the hotel, trying to take a photo together. The conversation becomes muddled, and Athena mishears Verseau’s words as “ghost” instead of “go.” In that moment, the metaphor becomes clear: the film is haunted by the ghosts of the past—by Meril’s life and death, by the memories of the women they once were, and by the lives that could have been. And yet, the film is also about confronting these ghosts, listening to their whispers, and learning to move forward.
 
"Trans Memoria" is not a film that offers easy answers or neatly tied-up narratives. It is messy, raw, and deeply human in its portrayal of the complexities of transition, grief, and self-discovery. The film is both a tribute to Meril and an exploration of the existential questions that arise when a dream is realized but life continues to unfold in unexpected ways. As Athena notes, "We need both darkness and light." This film, with its contrasts of humor and sadness, pain and hope, darkness and light, ultimately offers a space for reflection on what it means to be alive, to be trans, and to be human. By the end of the film, the question of what happens after transition—what comes after the fulfillment of one's innermost dream—is left open. There is no clear resolution, but rather a quiet acceptance of the journey itself. "Trans Memoria" invites us to confront the ghosts of our past, to honor the lives we’ve lost, and to find meaning in the spaces between dreams and reality. As Verseau reflects in her interview with Hollywood Reporter, "Everyone is in a transition." "Trans Memoria" is a film for anyone who has ever wondered about the nature of identity, transformation, and the meaning of life itself. It is a testament to the complexity and beauty of human experience, with all its contradictions, losses, and moments of grace.
 
via: youtube
Image credits: YouTube
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